DrunkenSatyr
12-25-2008, 09:38 AM
OK, So I read this off a coworkers computer at 4:30 am yesterday....so maybe I am either: Deranged, Have Pissed on an electric fence, or can at the LEAST relate to this email but by god, My sides hurt worse than they have in over 5 yrs after reading this!!!!!!!:
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard,
and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the
entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran
a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle
charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft.
long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key,
with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence
works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo
Walmart 6hp Big Wheel
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the
yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower
around the wire and
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It
seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running
lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other
hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a
picture of an upside
down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The
first thing I notice is
my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My
ears curled downwardsand I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the
backside of my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could
feel the spark in my
head. I was literally at one with the engine.. It seems as
though the fence
charger and the "piece of shit" lawnmower were
fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the
same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels
emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind
of bowel movement,
where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and "BAM, BAM,
BAM" you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed
like there were minutes in
between, but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from
a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2
seconds) into holding
onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire
palm down so I can't
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
fences... but Dad
always had those "piece of shit" chargers made by
International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just 'kinda tickled.
This I could not let
go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals
from me through the
permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point
I'm thinking I'm
going to have to just man up and take it, until the
lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled
the tank! Now the
lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as
if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, jizz,
and with my balls on my chest, I think 'Oh God please
let me die... pleeeeze
let me die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely
and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor
waiting for the go
command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not
take me that day... he
left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the
misery my own stupidity
had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the
wire... I woke up
laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside
me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were
two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then another long
skinny dead spot were the
wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to
it. I assume I
finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had
somehow let go of the
wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I
realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do
not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now.
Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than
new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they
are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the Game Room by farting
while thinking of the
number 4 (still don't understand this!)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound
respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple
check to make sure
the fence is unplugged before I mow..
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come
over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to
him, and THAT gives me
a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before
I mow.
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard,
and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the
entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran
a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle
charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft.
long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key,
with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence
works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo
Walmart 6hp Big Wheel
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the
yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower
around the wire and
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It
seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running
lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other
hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a
picture of an upside
down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The
first thing I notice is
my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My
ears curled downwardsand I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the
backside of my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could
feel the spark in my
head. I was literally at one with the engine.. It seems as
though the fence
charger and the "piece of shit" lawnmower were
fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the
same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels
emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind
of bowel movement,
where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and "BAM, BAM,
BAM" you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed
like there were minutes in
between, but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from
a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2
seconds) into holding
onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire
palm down so I can't
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
fences... but Dad
always had those "piece of shit" chargers made by
International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just 'kinda tickled.
This I could not let
go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals
from me through the
permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point
I'm thinking I'm
going to have to just man up and take it, until the
lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled
the tank! Now the
lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as
if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, jizz,
and with my balls on my chest, I think 'Oh God please
let me die... pleeeeze
let me die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely
and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor
waiting for the go
command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not
take me that day... he
left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the
misery my own stupidity
had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the
wire... I woke up
laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside
me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were
two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then another long
skinny dead spot were the
wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to
it. I assume I
finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had
somehow let go of the
wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I
realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do
not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now.
Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than
new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they
are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the Game Room by farting
while thinking of the
number 4 (still don't understand this!)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound
respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple
check to make sure
the fence is unplugged before I mow..
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come
over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to
him, and THAT gives me
a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before
I mow.